This past year completely ripped my inner being raw and showed me the true meaning of vulnerability. It showed me that I really had no idea who I was. I was the mere adjectives that each of us use each day: nice, kind, smart, funny and so on. I was merely living in a body that was lost.
I broke at the seams from the start of the year and very shortly after the year had begun, I was taking a Leave of Absence from college and was packing my bags for treatment. Almost a year ago today, I was officially diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa along with Generalized Anxiety and Major Depression. It was around this time that I had deteriorated to a point of danger physically and my emotions became nonexistent-numb, in fact. My body was screaming for help and I was ignoring it.
I was consumed by my eating disorder and Teele was long gone.
I ended up being in treatment for 3 months and while it is cliché to say, I would not be alive and breathing right now if I had never went. Treatment was terrifying and an adventure all at once. I wrote in my journal almost each day for those 3 months. I read back through the very first entries when I arrived and I sound so scared and alone despite having support beyond belief from family, friends, and people I hardly knew. I cried myself to sleep the very first night, staring out the window onto a campus of foreign buildings and people. I knew home wasn't the right place for me at that time, but I wanted home more than ever.
The people I met there changed my life and helped me bring back the color in my eyes and my spirit. All the girls I met touched me in one way or another and were some of the most beautiful people I had ever met.
I finally came home. I remember tears streaming down my eyes as soon as I walked into the door. The feeling of walking inside a place where I was really sick is overwhelming and took my breath for a few seconds. I remember sitting outside for hours because being inside was too much for me.
Fast forward to now and here I am. Since being diagnosed and where I am currently, so much has happened. While I still struggle on a daily basis with my disordered thoughts, anxieties, depression, and other things, I can definitely say I am in a much better place than I was those many months ago. During the year, I've discovered a lot of fears that I didn't know I had or was in denial about such as growing up and turning into a young woman and not being a teenage girl. Also, my fear of rejection, my tendency to compare myself to others, fear of love, and my dangerous addiction of striving for complete perfection. The list continues on and just from typing that it reminds me of how much all those things bring me down and away from accepting myself. I know that "normal" is a mere setting on a washing machine, but all these things make me feel like a defect. It sounds melodramatic, but that truly is the best way to describe it sometimes. However, on days like today, I'm in a good place and I look at all these things as part of me. They are my personal struggles and that is okay. It gives me something to fight against each and every day, something to overcome.
Last year on New Years' Eve, I was gone. I wasn't even present the moment the ball dropped and my parents kissed at midnight. I stood there like a ghost with no sense of feeling.
This year? I had ate till my belly was happy, filled it with nutritious food and grinned from ear to ear as the clock struck midnight and 2015 was finally here. Now, that isn't to say it was easy. My anxiety is worse now that my hormones are balancing out which makes dealing with my emotions more difficult that before. I actually feel again and some days I don't know how to deal with it all.
On Christmas Eve, I had my very first panic attack. I had no idea what it was until it was over. I don't wish those on my worst enemy. I don't think there is anything more terrifying than screaming at the top of your lungs because you want to crawl out of your skin so bad. You become overwhelmed and horrified all at once and don't know what's going on. I was crawling on the bathroom floor yelling for help because I was so confused. Now, I know that my anxiety can build up pretty severely and some days I almost consider taking medication.
While my parents and friends think it might help, I refuse to take anything. I am determined to heal my body with spirituality and wholesome foods. I know it's possible and I know it's within me somehow.
In 2014, I found meditation and yoga as a new escape for me. While I wasn't able to dance, those two became my niche. They both help me tremendously and I am beyond thankful for that. I know I try to run from myself on a daily basis and those two help bring me back. It can ease my storm of darkness and give me the light I need.
Aside from all that, I got my first job AND my second job. I have become more independent, but that is still a work in process as I continue to fall on my face like the naïve 20 year old I am.
I want 2015 to be the year I finally find who I am. In a few weeks, I will be going back full-time as a Dance Major and I am terrified and excited all at once. I really have no idea what to expect or if I'm ready, but there's only one way to find out. This year I want to deepen my yoga practice and focus more on my spirituality. I want to learn more about the human body and ways to heal with what mother nature gives us. I want to accept myself and my oddities. I want to feel beautiful and not feel like I need validation from anyone. So, as I look at my candle flicking against my eggplant purple wall, I know this year with be different. I can do this and I will try with ever ounce of my being.
As the Dalai Lama said:
"...Never give up
No matter what is going on around you
Never give up."
