Stranger

My mind aches with fear and worry. It shakes my intuition and tosses me into the lake of doubt. The lake is vast and a deep empty black. It goes for miles in every direction encasing me like a long cloak. I am barely a float, but manage to grasp for air. Time passes and my body begins to ache deeper. My mind spirals into darker places. The doubt begins to seep into my skin. I feel it fill up my lungs and begin to slow my heart. Have I come to the end of my story? Will I drown in this doubt and anxiety? Will my own mind defeat me? Among the black and ominous waters, a little girl comes into my focus. She stands on a big wooden plank, floating on the water. She looks familiar, yet like a complete stranger. She has cheeks like plump cherries and dark blonde hair like the mountainous sand dunes. She stands with innocence and kindness. She looks right at me as my body slowly begins to give up. Her eyes are filled with a sadness that can't be put into words. A sadness that could stop anyone in there tracks, a sadness that could make the whole world stop to notice. Why is this little girl so sad? My mind and body are both in commotion, an uncontrollable chaos. Slowly..slowly..failing. The little girl sits down and paddles towards me with her delicate hands. As she approaches, there are tears in her eyes. I'm only more confused and curious. She gives me her tiny hand and I grasp it and with the other, I pull myself up onto the plank. I thank her, but she doesn't say a word. Her eyes still filled with a deep pain that I can't seem to understand. Is she missing her family? Is she lost like me? We float for what seems like miles, my mind still going and going like a broken record. We float in silence. We reach what looks like home. I have no recollection of how we made it. I fell asleep and awoke to houses and trees. We get off the plank and I thank her again. She looks at me and gives me an embracing hug. Her eyes gaze up to mine and with the most delicate voice she says, "Take care of me, please. I want to see the world one day. I want to do everything and see everything. I want to climb mountains, swim in all the oceans, and write books about wizards and gypsies. So, please take care of me and don't be afraid." Before I can even ask what she means, she runs back to the lake and floats away...her hair dancing in the wind.

Edge of Recovery Road

"The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts."

 

~Marcus Aurelius

 

 

 

 

When I read those words I realize the quality of my thoughts are, for the most part, cruel and absolutely degrading and soul crushing. It sounds a tad melodramatic, but it's actually an understatement. Lately, being in my head has been beyond painful and I think that's why I realized I needed to get my hands on a pencil and paper or in this case, my laptop. I am usually one to write down things in pencil versus online, but I think I'm in a state where I really need some positive words and energies from the outside world.

 

 

I've never been the one to have any true suicidal thoughts, but not too long ago, as I was walking to work one day, the thought of not existing anymore came to my mind. I'm not going to lie, it terrified me. It wasn't like I wanted to end my life, but the thought of not existing anymore didn't bother me. In fact, it seemed nice. That would mean I wouldn't have to deal with anything anymore. I wouldn't have to deal with hating myself, I wouldn't have to deal with growing up, functioning properly, making mistakes, feeling like a huge human defect and many other things. Honestly, I've been teetering on this "Recovery Road" for a while now and I think I've officially slipped off in a sense.

 

Physically, I've lost a substantial amount of weight since coming home from treatment and I'm back to needing to put on weight again. My health is deteriorating again after slowly recovering. I personally don't know my weight, but my mom has been weighting me because she was worried and well, the scale number terrified her. Me? I get that sick feeling of success. I know logically I'm in a bad place and I've learned from treatment that my mind is lying to me, but I refuse to listen to my true instincts.  I'm basically back to where I was 5 months ago and this time, I am even more angry with myself because I let myself get back here. Am I really that pathetic and stupid? I don't know.

 

Emotionally, I'm all over the place. I don't know where I stand, what I feel, and so many other things. I feel like I have nothing going for me in my life and that I never will find a path. I don't see the future and feel excitement anymore, I just sigh. I wake up each morning and sometimes, I don't even see the point in getting out of bed. I'm living in a fake shell it seems, I put on so many masks throughout the day when inside, I feel horrid.

 

I don't know what else to say other that I need help, but I refuse to listen and accept it. I am hurting my family and friends again like I did those months ago. I am putting them and myself through the same thing. I just feel like existing is a waste of time and pain. I just don't think I'm capable of finding myself and living the life I was given. I am alone..confused..lost..worthless..but mostly, so very terrified.

 

~Teele