"The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts."
~Marcus Aurelius
When I read those words I realize the quality of my thoughts are, for the most part, cruel and absolutely degrading and soul crushing. It sounds a tad melodramatic, but it's actually an understatement. Lately, being in my head has been beyond painful and I think that's why I realized I needed to get my hands on a pencil and paper or in this case, my laptop. I am usually one to write down things in pencil versus online, but I think I'm in a state where I really need some positive words and energies from the outside world.
I've never been the one to have any true suicidal thoughts, but not too long ago, as I was walking to work one day, the thought of not existing anymore came to my mind. I'm not going to lie, it terrified me. It wasn't like I wanted to end my life, but the thought of not existing anymore didn't bother me. In fact, it seemed nice. That would mean I wouldn't have to deal with anything anymore. I wouldn't have to deal with hating myself, I wouldn't have to deal with growing up, functioning properly, making mistakes, feeling like a huge human defect and many other things. Honestly, I've been teetering on this "Recovery Road" for a while now and I think I've officially slipped off in a sense.
Physically, I've lost a substantial amount of weight since coming home from treatment and I'm back to needing to put on weight again. My health is deteriorating again after slowly recovering. I personally don't know my weight, but my mom has been weighting me because she was worried and well, the scale number terrified her. Me? I get that sick feeling of success. I know logically I'm in a bad place and I've learned from treatment that my mind is lying to me, but I refuse to listen to my true instincts. I'm basically back to where I was 5 months ago and this time, I am even more angry with myself because I let myself get back here. Am I really that pathetic and stupid? I don't know.
Emotionally, I'm all over the place. I don't know where I stand, what I feel, and so many other things. I feel like I have nothing going for me in my life and that I never will find a path. I don't see the future and feel excitement anymore, I just sigh. I wake up each morning and sometimes, I don't even see the point in getting out of bed. I'm living in a fake shell it seems, I put on so many masks throughout the day when inside, I feel horrid.
I don't know what else to say other that I need help, but I refuse to listen and accept it. I am hurting my family and friends again like I did those months ago. I am putting them and myself through the same thing. I just feel like existing is a waste of time and pain. I just don't think I'm capable of finding myself and living the life I was given. I am alone..confused..lost..worthless..but mostly, so very terrified.
~Teele
Oh Teele, I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling. At the same time, it's very very common to have setbacks after treatment so congratulations on being "normal"��. You're not hiding your thoughts and feelings and that's a key difference between a setback and a relapse! I'd really love to see you employ those hypnosis and Solfeggio apps I suggested before you entered treatment. I just know they wil go far in helping you push over this hump. I know you can do it because you *are* doing it! Each little step is the way, and sometimes we learn our greatest lessons as we take the backwards steps. I know your mind was swirly when I suggested the apps so if you don't remember the details please let me know. I'd be happy to go over them again with you and explain why I think they'll help. You can do this. I know you can because others have been successful. I'm sending you so much love and big fat swirls of healing light������
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