It's crazy how it went from a relaxing 65 degrees to a bone-chilling 27 degrees within hours. However, unlike many, while being cold to the bone isn't the most pleasant, I quite enjoy the colder days. Personally, I hate summer. I don't know if it's just because I live in the Midwest and the summers here are horrid or it's just the fact that I don't like sitting in my own sweat and feeling fatigued and sweltering constantly. I really enjoy bundling up and drinking copious amounts of hot beverages. I think it's also the closeness that everyone looks for during the colder months. The colder days are for togetherness and reflection while the warmth is for spreading your wings. Now, I'm a girl who loves a good adventure, but it is the closeness that makes my soul feel so dang good. The smiles in between rosy cheeks and the everlasting hugs. The best part though? Snow + The Holidays. When it comes to the holidays, I kid you not when I say that I am Mother Christmas or rather Ms. Claus. The music goes on directly after Thanksgiving (I admit, I've already played a few, no shame.), my room is decorated aside from the house decorations that go up, and I just become a walking cheese fest of joy. I sound like a lunatic, don't I?
Well, growing up, the holidays were always a big deal in my house and still are. Plus, being born in December and born in a country that gets A LOT of snow, you could say I'm just a winter baby. Perhaps, in another life, I'm a winter fairy that lives in Narnia during Christmas. You think I'm joking, but I'm not.
Anyway, all that aside, I think autumn and winter are a beautiful time. A time we all bash because we are cold to the core and too busy complaining about the ice on our windshields. While I do my share of complaining, my goal this season is to try to take a step back every time I want to curse the air for cutting through my multiple layers of clothes.
Now, in regards to my recovery, I've realized I'm now stuck in this very strange middle ground. I am doing a lot better than I was a month or so ago, but I'm still not where I can be to fully get in a better place with my body and mind. I don't know what it'll take to reach that, but I can't seem to find it. I'm convinced I'm looking in the wrong places. Due to work, I don't get to do yoga as often as I'd like or get to make it to the temple I use to go to each and every Sunday. Of course, I can't blame work for being the cause of my lack of motivation to heal. Also, with officially telling my counselor that I'm coming back to the dance department, I will need to take classes soon to get back into "shape" per say so I'm not a complete mess when I start up again. However, due to my weight and needing to put on some, I'm really restricted in what I'm allowed to do. My mother has me on close watch and I know she is only doing it for my benefit, not to be cruel. I know I need to get my body back at a better weight before I can start training again, but it's difficult beyond belief. I also can't drive until I'm at that better place so, I've again shrunk my world. However, on a positive note, I began meditating more often, more journaling, more reading, and I'm making little steps each day. I fall back, but I try again. Deep down, I think I really am capable of beating this and living my life without being in a constant state of anxiety and worry.
While social media can be harmful, I have found ways to have it help me. I have come in contact with wonderful people that are going through the same thing and it helps tremendously.
I think I really need to focus on what will be happening very soon, the start of dancing, being a full-time student again, driving, and many other things. My body and mind have got to be strong or else I will not make it like I luckily did last time. I don't know if dancing is what I want to do with my life entirely, but I know that I miss it and that what I'm doing right now, I don't like.
I leave you all with this as I leave to make a hot latte before work (with no regrets)..
Don't fear the world, don't fear failures or mistakes.
Don't fear the unknown. Don't fear mystery.
Don't fear uncertainty. Don't fear confusion.
The sun, the moon, and the stars will line up in time
You won't even be aware of it, but you will look up one day
and the world will embrace you from all sides and you will finally
be happy.
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