Peace of Mind

 

“Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.”

 

 

I’ve been home for over 3 months now and I feel it’s time to put some feelings down on “paper” or in this case, my ancient box I call my laptop. (I need a new one, REALLY bad.) Being in treatment showed me a lot about myself including putting my deepest fears right in my face. I never thought I was an anxious kid or someone who got overwhelmed easily, but I suppose it decided to show up later in my life. When I was in high school, I managed my crazy life really well. It didn’t matter what was thrown at me, I knew how to deal with it. I never let it get to me or let it shut me down. I always kept going. Now, I’m not saying I didn’t struggle, OH, I DID, but I was able to acknowledge it and then continue on. I was dancing multiple hours a day and dancing almost every day of the week. I had homework and school happenings up to my earlobes. I was never at home and that is an understatement. I would go to school, come home and get ready for ballet, go to ballet, and get home around 9 or 10. Then, I would stay up till 1 or later doing homework, “sleep”, and get up early and do it again. It doesn’t sound pleasant, but to me it was. It was like a chaotic organized mess to me. It a strange way while it was all over the place, it was together.

Fast forward to senior year in high school, I lost someone I loved, college was right around the corner, my journey was ending and another one was starting. It seems like it happened so sudden, but looking back, it wasn’t. Everything that I was able to handle before, I couldn’t anymore. The chaos was unbearable. I felt like a jigsaw puzzle, my life being the puzzle and all the pieces were scattered and didn’t want to fit into place. I suddenly didn’t know who I was, what I was doing, or how I was going to do anything.

Physically, my health deteriorated. Emotionally, I ruined my health to the point where I couldn’t feel anymore, I was numb. And you know what? It was what I wanted, I didn’t have a death wish, but I didn’t want to feel pain, sadness, anger, fear, frustration, or rather any emotion anymore. I wanted to shrink my entire world, shrink it to something I could handle.

Treatment saved my life because I was knocking on death’s door before I came. Now, here I am over 3 months later. When I first came home, I was doing really well, despite it being overwhelming being home and dealing with real life again. However, things slowly got more and more difficult as the summer started closing and things keep getting more difficult. It seems like so many things happened all at once with my dad ending up in the hospital and almost dying to figuring out how to go back to school and what I’ll be doing. Everything became a storm again and my mind and body began to churn. I haven’t fallen off the recovery wagon entirely, but I’m teetering on the edge. I’m proud of how far I’ve come, but I’m still so terrified of growing up and knowing what to do, how much, being enough, being too much and so many other things. I want to be able to have a warrior’s confidence and maybe that will just take some time..