"It's difficult to believe in yourself because the idea of self is an artificial construction. You are, in fact, part of the glorious oneness of the universe. Everything beautiful in the world is within you."
2 weeks. That's 14 days until I leave for Estonia. 14 days until I leave the COUNTRY. I know I really should be in more shock, but knowing me, it'll hit when I'm actually on the plane and taking off. My heart will start pounding as the wheels vanish under the plane, my throat will tighten as the earth below begins to shrink, and my mind will race with questions, fears, and excitement as I journey to my new home.
It's weird saying "new home" when in reality it IS home for me. It has been over 10 years since I've been back and I really don't remember a thing. It's terrifying, but also quite wonderful because I'll have so much to learn and see. I still have so much to do and the past few days have been some of the worst days I've had in a while. However, the point of this post is not to complain, but rather to give, whoever is reading this, hope and something to grasp onto. I don't want to go into too much detail about things because, again, that is not the point of this post. While going back home to study, in a whole different country, on a full scholarship, is one of the greatest opportunities I could have been given, it has brought a lot of stress. When I moved to the US with my mom, I didn't need a passport because I was under my mom's. In Estonia, you don't need your own until you are 16. That is all great and dandy until I realized I needed my own, now, to GET to Estonia. However, the Estonian Embassy is located in NYC, not little ol' Kansas City. So, that was a journey in itself plus having my birth certificate being found which I didn't have here. Luckily, my long lost siblings in Finland, their mother, had saved mine for whatever reason and sent it to us just in time to fly to NYC and apply for my passport. Done, right? No. The people at the Consulate told us that it will take up to 1.5 months for the passport to process. WHAT. They had no idea that I had to be in Estonia by the 25th of August. My mom was able to pay extra to have it delivered faster, but we still have to pick it up in Chicago. Yes, another trip. Basically, my passport went from NYC, to Estonia to be processed, and then the Chicago for pick up. So. Much. Inconvience. We found out yesterday that it has been sent to Chicago, so I'll be traveling with my mom within the next few days or so to pick it up. Then, I have to purchase tickets to Estonia, get another suitcase, figure out what to pack, my phone issues, laptop issues, money, bank, GAHHHH. I don't feel very prepared and it's not great on my anxiety. My grandfather is also not doing well and is probably not going to make it much longer. Money is tight. To make matters worse, a guy I had fallen very hard for, ended our relationship. Now, there is a lot that goes into this which I won't, but it was for reasons that most people wouldn't expect which is why it was so hard. It brought so much pain that I hadn't felt in so long that I wanted to vanish off the face of the earth. All of this, combined, ripped me to the core. Luckily I have some wonderful people in my life that were there for me the night it all caved, I can't be more thankful. Truly. I cried until my face looked swollen, I didn't sleep, had a migraine, severe heart pain and with all that, I completely closed off.
Here's where something great happened.
2 years ago, I would have let all of this consume me, bury me, destroy me. Now? I let myself feel all the pain, all the shatter, all the worry, disgust, and regret. Then, something in me told me that everything is going to be okay. My mind stopped racing, my heart stopped aching, and my head cleared. After a a solid 24 hour cry and no sleep, I reached a place of peace. Now, when I say peace I don't mean all the painful emotions went away, but rather I was able to sit with them, but still move forward with my life. I was able to cultivate negative energy into something powerful and positive. To the skeptic, this may sound ridiculous, but just hear me out. I did a paper not too long ago about Native American Healing Practices and they view the world as this "circle of energy" as well. Everything is a balance of energies. That applies to the human body too. They see illness as an imbalance in the body. SO, if everything in this world is based on that, how do we react to things? I believe we are bombarded with so many forces each and every day. These forces knock us on and off our true self or how we are in our natural state. Why is is that we have so much trouble realizing who we are? It is because we have such a hard time getting back to this true self with all the different forces attacking our core being and we don't know how to balance everything out. Notice how I did not say to push these forces away. We need to learn to take them and cultivate them into something magnificent, something useful for ourselves and the universe.
Okay, where am I going with all this? I took everything that has happened and made all those forces a part of me. I absorbed them. However, I let them nourish me and let me grow. I allowed the negative energies to let me grow as a person mind, body, and soul. I turned the pain into a force that would allow me to focus on my future more. I allowed it to help me understand myself more. 2 years ago, I would have never done that. I would have buried myself in those negative thoughts and let it hurt me and stop me from living my life. Not today. I am so much more than that. YOU are so much more than the forces that strike you. Don't let them consume you and take over. Allow them in, feel it through your bones, and then send it back out to the world in your own personal light. I am a firm believer of everything happening for a reason. I also believe that, in regards to the circle of life, some things must hit rock bottom for others to rise to the skies. It's all in how YOU take it. It truly is. Emotions are a wonderful thing from happiness to pain, they are the reminders that we are alive. So, never stop living. Ever.
No comments:
Post a Comment