Internal Light

She sits in the same familiar chair. An old chair. It's become too familiar she hardly notices it beneath her. The loud creaks have grown to be of comfort to her. It breaks the silence in the room. It breaks the silence she has grown to hate. A silence that encases her. She looks around the room, a room filled with pictures. Pictures with smiling faces she adores. The smiles fill the room, but she still feels a void within her. She isn't sad, but when she wraps the blanket around herself to take away the cold, she only shivers more. She knows of desperation and it's devious ways of burring chance and self-worth yet desperation lingers in the air. She reaches for it, but never grasps. The chair creaks breaking the silence. If only another voice could grasp her heart as easily as their hand could grasp hers. She looks down at her cold fingers. She's forgotten what it feels like to have another's fingers interlaced between hers, she's forgotten so much. A single candle burns in the room. Her eyes glisten as she watches it flicker and glow. It's as if the mere light was speaking to her. It was that single candle that told her it would all be okay not with words but with a state of being and radiance. The candle was alone within a big room and look how bright it shone as if it were trying to light the whole universe by itself. That's when she closed her eyes and learned to glow from within without a voice and hand to grasp. The light she beamed filled her void and at times, it helped keep all the candles across the earth from going out. A light like that can mask the creak of any old chair and it can make a night sky come alive..

The Colder Days

It's crazy how it went from a relaxing 65 degrees to a bone-chilling 27 degrees within hours. However, unlike many, while being cold to the bone isn't the most pleasant, I quite enjoy the colder days. Personally, I hate summer. I don't know if it's just because I live in the Midwest and the summers here are horrid or it's just the fact that I don't like sitting in my own sweat and feeling fatigued and sweltering constantly. I really enjoy bundling up and drinking copious amounts of hot beverages. I think it's also the closeness that everyone looks for during the colder months. The colder days are for togetherness and reflection while the warmth is for spreading your wings. Now, I'm a girl who loves a good adventure, but it is the closeness that makes my soul feel so dang good. The smiles in between rosy cheeks and the everlasting hugs. The best part though? Snow + The Holidays. When it comes to the holidays, I kid you not when I say that I am Mother Christmas or rather Ms. Claus. The music goes on directly after Thanksgiving (I admit, I've already played a few, no shame.), my room is decorated aside from the house decorations that go up, and I just become a walking cheese fest of joy. I sound like a lunatic, don't I?

 

Well, growing up, the holidays were always a big deal in my house and still are. Plus, being born in December and born in a country that gets A LOT of snow, you could say I'm just a winter baby. Perhaps, in another life, I'm a winter fairy that lives in Narnia during Christmas.  You think I'm joking, but I'm not.

 

Anyway, all that aside, I think autumn and winter are a beautiful time. A time we all bash because we are cold to the core and too busy complaining about the ice on our windshields. While I do my share of complaining, my goal this season is to try to take a step back every time I want to curse the air for cutting through my multiple layers of clothes.

 

Now, in regards to my recovery, I've realized I'm now stuck in this very strange middle ground. I am doing a lot better than I was a month or so ago, but I'm still not where I can be to fully get in a better place with my body and mind. I don't know what it'll take to reach that, but I can't seem to find it. I'm convinced I'm looking in the wrong places. Due to work, I don't get to do yoga as often as I'd like or get to make it to the temple I use to go to each and every Sunday. Of course, I can't blame work for being the cause of my lack of motivation to heal. Also, with officially telling my counselor that I'm coming back to the dance department, I will need to take classes soon to get back into "shape" per say so I'm not a complete mess when I start up again. However, due to my weight and needing to put on some, I'm really restricted in what I'm allowed to do. My mother has me on close watch and I know she is only doing it for my benefit, not to be cruel. I know I need to get my body back at a better weight before I can start training again, but it's difficult beyond belief. I also can't drive until I'm at that better place so, I've again shrunk my world. However, on a positive note, I began meditating more often, more journaling, more reading, and I'm making little steps each day. I fall back, but I try again. Deep down, I think I really am capable of beating this and living my life without being in a constant state of anxiety and worry.

 

While social media can be harmful, I have found ways to have it help me. I have come in contact with wonderful people that are going through the same thing and it helps tremendously.

I think I really need to focus on what will be happening very soon, the start of dancing, being a full-time student again, driving, and many other things. My body and mind have got to be strong or else I will not make it like I luckily did last time. I don't know if dancing is what I want to do with my life entirely, but I know that I miss it and that what I'm doing right now, I don't like.

 

I leave you all with this as I leave to make a hot latte before work (with no regrets)..

 

Don't fear the world, don't fear failures or mistakes.
Don't fear the unknown. Don't fear mystery.
Don't fear uncertainty. Don't fear confusion.
The sun, the moon, and the stars will line up in time
You won't even be aware of it, but you will look up one day
and the world will embrace you from all sides and you will finally
be happy.

 -Teele

Stranger

My mind aches with fear and worry. It shakes my intuition and tosses me into the lake of doubt. The lake is vast and a deep empty black. It goes for miles in every direction encasing me like a long cloak. I am barely a float, but manage to grasp for air. Time passes and my body begins to ache deeper. My mind spirals into darker places. The doubt begins to seep into my skin. I feel it fill up my lungs and begin to slow my heart. Have I come to the end of my story? Will I drown in this doubt and anxiety? Will my own mind defeat me? Among the black and ominous waters, a little girl comes into my focus. She stands on a big wooden plank, floating on the water. She looks familiar, yet like a complete stranger. She has cheeks like plump cherries and dark blonde hair like the mountainous sand dunes. She stands with innocence and kindness. She looks right at me as my body slowly begins to give up. Her eyes are filled with a sadness that can't be put into words. A sadness that could stop anyone in there tracks, a sadness that could make the whole world stop to notice. Why is this little girl so sad? My mind and body are both in commotion, an uncontrollable chaos. Slowly..slowly..failing. The little girl sits down and paddles towards me with her delicate hands. As she approaches, there are tears in her eyes. I'm only more confused and curious. She gives me her tiny hand and I grasp it and with the other, I pull myself up onto the plank. I thank her, but she doesn't say a word. Her eyes still filled with a deep pain that I can't seem to understand. Is she missing her family? Is she lost like me? We float for what seems like miles, my mind still going and going like a broken record. We float in silence. We reach what looks like home. I have no recollection of how we made it. I fell asleep and awoke to houses and trees. We get off the plank and I thank her again. She looks at me and gives me an embracing hug. Her eyes gaze up to mine and with the most delicate voice she says, "Take care of me, please. I want to see the world one day. I want to do everything and see everything. I want to climb mountains, swim in all the oceans, and write books about wizards and gypsies. So, please take care of me and don't be afraid." Before I can even ask what she means, she runs back to the lake and floats away...her hair dancing in the wind.

Edge of Recovery Road

"The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts."

 

~Marcus Aurelius

 

 

 

 

When I read those words I realize the quality of my thoughts are, for the most part, cruel and absolutely degrading and soul crushing. It sounds a tad melodramatic, but it's actually an understatement. Lately, being in my head has been beyond painful and I think that's why I realized I needed to get my hands on a pencil and paper or in this case, my laptop. I am usually one to write down things in pencil versus online, but I think I'm in a state where I really need some positive words and energies from the outside world.

 

 

I've never been the one to have any true suicidal thoughts, but not too long ago, as I was walking to work one day, the thought of not existing anymore came to my mind. I'm not going to lie, it terrified me. It wasn't like I wanted to end my life, but the thought of not existing anymore didn't bother me. In fact, it seemed nice. That would mean I wouldn't have to deal with anything anymore. I wouldn't have to deal with hating myself, I wouldn't have to deal with growing up, functioning properly, making mistakes, feeling like a huge human defect and many other things. Honestly, I've been teetering on this "Recovery Road" for a while now and I think I've officially slipped off in a sense.

 

Physically, I've lost a substantial amount of weight since coming home from treatment and I'm back to needing to put on weight again. My health is deteriorating again after slowly recovering. I personally don't know my weight, but my mom has been weighting me because she was worried and well, the scale number terrified her. Me? I get that sick feeling of success. I know logically I'm in a bad place and I've learned from treatment that my mind is lying to me, but I refuse to listen to my true instincts.  I'm basically back to where I was 5 months ago and this time, I am even more angry with myself because I let myself get back here. Am I really that pathetic and stupid? I don't know.

 

Emotionally, I'm all over the place. I don't know where I stand, what I feel, and so many other things. I feel like I have nothing going for me in my life and that I never will find a path. I don't see the future and feel excitement anymore, I just sigh. I wake up each morning and sometimes, I don't even see the point in getting out of bed. I'm living in a fake shell it seems, I put on so many masks throughout the day when inside, I feel horrid.

 

I don't know what else to say other that I need help, but I refuse to listen and accept it. I am hurting my family and friends again like I did those months ago. I am putting them and myself through the same thing. I just feel like existing is a waste of time and pain. I just don't think I'm capable of finding myself and living the life I was given. I am alone..confused..lost..worthless..but mostly, so very terrified.

 

~Teele  

Peace of Mind

 

“Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.”

 

 

I’ve been home for over 3 months now and I feel it’s time to put some feelings down on “paper” or in this case, my ancient box I call my laptop. (I need a new one, REALLY bad.) Being in treatment showed me a lot about myself including putting my deepest fears right in my face. I never thought I was an anxious kid or someone who got overwhelmed easily, but I suppose it decided to show up later in my life. When I was in high school, I managed my crazy life really well. It didn’t matter what was thrown at me, I knew how to deal with it. I never let it get to me or let it shut me down. I always kept going. Now, I’m not saying I didn’t struggle, OH, I DID, but I was able to acknowledge it and then continue on. I was dancing multiple hours a day and dancing almost every day of the week. I had homework and school happenings up to my earlobes. I was never at home and that is an understatement. I would go to school, come home and get ready for ballet, go to ballet, and get home around 9 or 10. Then, I would stay up till 1 or later doing homework, “sleep”, and get up early and do it again. It doesn’t sound pleasant, but to me it was. It was like a chaotic organized mess to me. It a strange way while it was all over the place, it was together.

Fast forward to senior year in high school, I lost someone I loved, college was right around the corner, my journey was ending and another one was starting. It seems like it happened so sudden, but looking back, it wasn’t. Everything that I was able to handle before, I couldn’t anymore. The chaos was unbearable. I felt like a jigsaw puzzle, my life being the puzzle and all the pieces were scattered and didn’t want to fit into place. I suddenly didn’t know who I was, what I was doing, or how I was going to do anything.

Physically, my health deteriorated. Emotionally, I ruined my health to the point where I couldn’t feel anymore, I was numb. And you know what? It was what I wanted, I didn’t have a death wish, but I didn’t want to feel pain, sadness, anger, fear, frustration, or rather any emotion anymore. I wanted to shrink my entire world, shrink it to something I could handle.

Treatment saved my life because I was knocking on death’s door before I came. Now, here I am over 3 months later. When I first came home, I was doing really well, despite it being overwhelming being home and dealing with real life again. However, things slowly got more and more difficult as the summer started closing and things keep getting more difficult. It seems like so many things happened all at once with my dad ending up in the hospital and almost dying to figuring out how to go back to school and what I’ll be doing. Everything became a storm again and my mind and body began to churn. I haven’t fallen off the recovery wagon entirely, but I’m teetering on the edge. I’m proud of how far I’ve come, but I’m still so terrified of growing up and knowing what to do, how much, being enough, being too much and so many other things. I want to be able to have a warrior’s confidence and maybe that will just take some time..

Beginnings

 

 

 

 

Hey, guys!

 

Welcome to my blog! I will try to keep posting recipes and updates often, but I'm still figuring out all the tools and such on this program. I decided to make this to share all my wonderful concoctions that happen in the kitchen and well, a place to share my recovery. I really would love feedback or simply to here from you all. I don't only want to share my love for good food, but I want to help people find peace within themselves as I am trying to do. I want others to know that it DOES get better. I want people to know that reaching out for help is NOT a weakness and it does wonders. I would not be alive and breathing if I would have never asked for help. I can't say it's easy because it is anything but that, but I can promise that it is worth it. I am here as a listener not only a voice to the world. Feel free to contact me on here or through email. The world is such a beautiful place, let me show that to you.

 

So, join me as I show you a world filled with wonder, great nourishing foods, and a lot more laughter than you think.

 

-Teele