The Circle of Life and Change

 "It's difficult to believe in yourself because the idea of self is an artificial construction. You are, in fact, part of the glorious oneness of the universe. Everything beautiful in the world is within you." 

2 weeks. That's 14 days until I leave for Estonia. 14 days until I leave the COUNTRY. I know I really should be in more shock, but knowing me, it'll hit when I'm actually on the plane and taking off. My heart will start pounding as the wheels vanish under the plane, my throat will tighten as the earth below begins to shrink, and my mind will race with questions, fears, and excitement as I journey to my new home.

It's weird saying "new home" when in reality it IS home for me. It has been over 10 years since I've been back and I really don't remember a thing. It's terrifying, but also quite wonderful because I'll have so much to learn and see. I still have so much to do and the past few days have been some of the worst days I've had in a while. However, the point of this post is not to complain, but rather to give, whoever is reading this, hope and something to grasp onto. I don't want to go into too much detail about things because, again, that is not the point of this post. While going back home to study, in a whole different country, on a full scholarship, is one of the greatest opportunities I could have been given, it has brought a lot of stress. When I moved to the US with my mom, I didn't need a passport because I was under my mom's. In Estonia, you don't need your own until you are 16. That is all great and dandy until I realized I needed my own, now, to GET to Estonia. However, the Estonian Embassy is located in NYC, not little ol' Kansas City. So, that was a journey in itself plus having my birth certificate being found which I didn't have here. Luckily, my long lost siblings in Finland, their mother, had saved mine for whatever reason and sent it to us just in time to fly to NYC and apply for my passport. Done, right? No. The people at the Consulate told us that it will take up to 1.5 months for the passport to process. WHAT. They had no idea that I had to be in Estonia by the 25th of August. My mom was able to pay extra to have it delivered faster, but we still have to pick it up in Chicago. Yes, another trip. Basically, my passport went from NYC, to Estonia to be processed, and then the Chicago for pick up. So. Much. Inconvience. We found out yesterday that it has been sent to Chicago, so I'll be traveling with my mom within the next few days or so to pick it up. Then, I have to purchase tickets to Estonia, get another suitcase, figure out what to pack, my phone issues, laptop issues, money, bank, GAHHHH. I don't feel very prepared and it's not great on my anxiety. My grandfather is also not doing well and is probably not going to make it much longer. Money is tight. To make matters worse, a guy I had fallen very hard for, ended our relationship. Now, there is a lot that goes into this which I won't, but it was for reasons that most people wouldn't expect which is why it was so hard. It brought so much pain that I hadn't felt in so long that I wanted to vanish off the face of the earth. All of this, combined, ripped me to the core. Luckily I have some wonderful people in my life that were there for me the night it all caved, I can't be more thankful. Truly. I cried until my face looked swollen, I didn't sleep, had a migraine, severe heart pain and with all that, I completely closed off. 

Here's where something great happened. 


2 years ago, I would have let all of this consume me, bury me, destroy me. Now? I let myself feel all the pain, all the shatter, all the worry, disgust, and regret. Then, something in me told me that everything is going to be okay. My mind stopped racing, my heart stopped aching, and my head cleared. After a a solid 24 hour cry and no sleep, I reached a place of peace. Now, when I say peace I don't mean all the painful emotions went away, but rather I was able to sit with them, but still move forward with my life. I was able to cultivate negative energy into something powerful and positive. To the skeptic, this may sound ridiculous, but just hear me out. I did a paper not too long ago about Native American Healing Practices and they view the world as this "circle of energy" as well. Everything is a balance of energies. That applies to the human body too. They see illness as an imbalance in the body. SO, if everything in this world is based on that, how do we react to things? I believe we are bombarded with so many forces each and every day. These forces knock us on and off our true self or how we are in our natural state. Why is is that we have so much trouble realizing who we are? It is because we have such a hard time getting back to this true self with all the different forces attacking our core being and we don't know how to balance everything out. Notice how I did not say to push these forces away. We need to learn to take them and cultivate them into something magnificent, something useful for ourselves and the universe. 

Okay, where am I going with all this? I took everything that has happened and made all those forces a part of me. I absorbed them. However, I let them nourish me and let me grow. I allowed the negative energies to let me grow as a person mind, body, and soul. I turned the pain into a force that would allow me to focus on my future more. I allowed it to help me understand myself more. 2 years ago, I would have never done that. I would have buried myself in those negative thoughts and let it hurt me and stop me from living my life. Not today. I am so much more than that. YOU are so much more than the forces that strike you. Don't let them consume you and take over. Allow them in, feel it through your bones, and then send it back out to the world in your own personal light. I am a firm believer of everything happening for a reason. I also believe that, in regards to the circle of life, some things must hit rock bottom for others to rise to the skies. It's all in how YOU take it. It truly is. Emotions are a wonderful thing from happiness to pain, they are the reminders that we are alive. So, never stop living. Ever. 

 

Yoga + Summer Sun

I can sit here and banter about how terrible I am about keeping up with this blog, but in reality, I write when I can, this blog doesn't have a deadline. This is not high school. Thank goodness.

The days have been getting hotter and hotter with the humidity climbing. I truly dislike summer and I still don't know if I truly hate it or if I just hate the summers here in KC. I love warmth and sunbeams, don't get me wrong, but my inner winter always craves snow and long sweaters. Winter has a way of bringing people closer together and I feel like that fades during the warmer months. The cold days bring about this need for comfort and warm drinks. I ache for that. While being cold natured, I do complain about the cold more than I should, but I enjoy nothing more than bundling up and hiding in a nest of blankets. The heat makes me feel so fatigued and out of place. I've read up on Ayurvedic doshas, but I'm not a Pitta type who are sensitive to heat. So, I'm at a loss. I know that most people tend to feel this during hot weather, but I feel like it affects me more than it should. I crave dawn and dusk. The way you can sit in sunny patches surrounded by cool shade. I tend to love moonlight as well during the warmer months. It's like a reward for a blistering day, being drenched in healing moonbeams. 

I am falling more and more in love with my yoga practice each day. It's been almost a year since I officially delved into the yoga world and my goodness I have come such a long way. It all started about as a Groupon to the studio that has become a second home for me now. I could do basic warrior poses and now, as of a few days ago, can nail my tripod headstand. Yes, I can stand on my head, guys. That is a BIG deal for me. Before yoga, I did not have much upper body strength. I am not blaming ballet for my lack of muscles in my arms, but rather it worked different muscles and in different ways. Yoga has given me a strength I can't put into words. I feel the healthiest I have been my entire life. While I still have physical problems due to my ED such as heart issues, irregular periods or lack of one, night sweats etc, my body feels pretty dang good.

I am trying very hard not to let my perfectionistic ways get in the way of my practice. I tend to get hard on myself when I can't make it to a class or can't do a certain pose. I feel lazy and that results to me feeling "fat" and then regretting every ounce of food I put in my body. It's strange, but that is how my mind works. Fantastic, isn't it? However, after a talk with one of my yoga teachers, I was reminded that even if we all did the same pose, we would all look different. So, who is correct or what is the right way? Also, if we could all achieve all the asanas and inversions, where would the learning go? Yoga would cease to grow. The beauty of yoga is that you never stop learning even my teachers are still learning each and every day in their own individual practice. Yoga is a never ending story of vibrancy and strength. One day I will nail side crow, but for now, I will brag about my tripod headstand.

I feel like I could write forever, but I think this is all I want to put out today. In regards to meals and such, I feel like I pick safe foods and meals and would love to branch out. I can't do kale salads and oatmeal everyday. Nutrition is about balance, not deprivation. I would love some recipes or ideas to try! I would love to get inspired and pushed out of my comfort zone! If anyone wants to send me recipes and such you can reach me via email at teelem17@gmail.com or comment below!

As always,

Namaste.

New Things

I feel like I say this a lot, but it's been a while since I've posted anything. I've decided to keep up with it better and post more often. It really helps me when I put my thoughts out to the world. I know for many that may be overwhelming, but for me it is a way of release. I made this blog to help myself and to inspire others and while that itself is cliché, it really is true. Sometimes I wonder if people think I'm strange for blogging about my thoughts and taking pictures of my meals, but I have to remind myself that this is what works for me. In it's own way, this all helps me stay on track and while I still get off track, I am way better off than I was over a year ago. If you've read my posts before, you know that before I was diagnosed with my eating disorder and anxiety issues, I really enjoyed food. I did a complete flip when it came to food back when I was a sophomore in high school. I went from eating McDonalds and drinking pop each day to becoming a veggie head. I can't even fathom putting the crap I used to put in my mouth now. It's so strange that before this change happened, I HATED the idea of changing my lifestyle. My family and I watched a documentary called Food Inc. (A fantastic film that everyone should watch.) This documentary showed that truth behind the food industry and how many lies we were being told about our food.

 Monsanto, a company many people know about, but what is so bad about them? This huge industrial agricultural corporation started in the 80's as a chemical company. This company produced Agent Orange and sold dairy cow hormones rBGH, the artificial sweetener Aspartame, and what it is most known for-GMO's or genetically modified organisms. These are living organisms whose genetic material has been artificially manipulated through genetic engineering. This creates unstable viral genes that do not occur in nature or through traditional crossbreeding methods. Most GMO's are engineered to withstand direct application of herbicide application and/or to produce an insecticide. Despite claims by Monsanto, this does not increase nutrition, yield, or any other benefit. It has shown links to environmental damage, health problems, and violation of farmers' and consumers' rights. Also, a side note, Monsanto even has a patent on seeds. A living product, something that grows and is our fuel. Imagine someone being denied food, that is basically what Monsanto is in allowed to do. I could keep going on and on about this, but I will leave that to the experts. Check out the "nongmoproject.org" for more information.

After we watched that film, we slowly started changing and it was not easy. However, we all made a change for the better. I lost some weight that was causing me injuries, got rid of my allergies, and was hardly sick anymore. It was a miracle and it was all without medication! This is another reason why my blog is called "Let Food Be Thy Medicine" because food really is that answer to health. It isn't about how many Advil you can pop in your mouth, it is about the food you eat. 

I fell in love with food, but in a whole new way. Now, later on down the road, my eating habits fell apart and my eating disorder got the best of me. It took away my love for food and ended me up almost on my death bad under 100 lbs at 5'9' with my heart barely beating.

Treatment saved my life. I can't thank the people at Laureate enough. I can't thank my parents enough either because the amount of stress and worry they had to go through isn't even comparable. Now, while I still have struggles each day, I am so glad to be in a better place and finding that love for wholesome foods again. That is what this blog is for, to help me find it again. Food is not the enemy it is the complete opposite. The war between loving my body rather than treating it as a hideous creature takes a lot of work, but I know one day it will be easier. Key word: One day.

This post already turned into a ramble rather than an update. Anyway, I have a wonderful dietician now that helped me from sinking into relapse. She and I share a lot of the same values on food and she is just one of the sweetest women I've met. She also specializes in athletic nutrition which is great for someone like me who loves to moooove. (In moderation and not overexerting myself, of course. Still something I work on..) She also believes in organic and pure foods and knows that healing and nourishing your body is key.

I have also made the biggest decision of my life. I dropped out of school again. Yes, again. Sigh. It just didn't feel right being a dance major anymore. I love to dance and always will, but after a year, I just realized I didn't want the degree anymore. I can dance my whole life without a BFA in Dance and I would much rather be doing something else. I was originally going to transfer to Colorado and major in Creative Writing, but it was wayyyy to expensive unless I got a massive scholarship. Then, my mom and I were in the car discussing where to go and she go silent for a moment and said "Why don't you study in Tallinn? Where I studied? At Tartu." Talk about WHOA. I went from being a long drive away to another country. My birthplace. My real home. My roots. It was one of those things that was just impossible enough to work. I looked online and the tuition price was perfect. Thank you, Europe for understanding that education is important and that I don't need to pay an arm and a leg to study. The tuition is beyond affordable and I haven't been back to Estonia since I was 5 years old. I even lost the ability to speak Estonian because I stopped speaking it when I moved to the US. I didn't want to be the little foreign girl with an accent. Stubborn me, ugh. I decided to contact the school and they mentioned that I was a fit candidate for this scholarship that made things even more perfect. This scholarship was for people who are Estonian citizens, but have been out of the country for more than 5 years. HELLO, ME. This would cover all the tuition, give me a monthly allowance, and 2 paid trips back home. This crazy adventure was screaming right in my face and I decided to take it. I applied for the scholarship and now, I must wait for a response. The worst part is waiting, I don't think I've ever checked my email this much.

For most people, leaving the country and knowing absolutely nobody would be terrifying, but to me it sounds beyond thrilling. I recently found out that I have a half brother and sister living in Finland, so meeting then will be wonderful. In terms of what I will be studying, the scholarship is to study Estonian for a full year. Hopefully by then I will have it picked up and can speak it somewhat fluently. After that I want to stay there and get my BA in Psychology. I really love working with thoughts, energies, and people. Psychology has been one of my favorite subjects since high school. It really speaks to me. After that, I want to get my Masters in Arts in Social Sciences focusing on Wellness and Spa Service and Design Management. With that, I want to open up my own business-a wellness clinic. No, not a hospital, but a place to heal spiritually, mentally, and physically. I want it to have all aspects that help me because if it helps me, I know it can help others, too. I want it to have a yoga studio, a place to just relax and talk, shelves of herbs and teas, etc. etc. You can call it a hippie haven or whatever you'd like, but I want to call it a place to reset and renew. I want people to come to this place and know they can leave there stresses, worries, and anxieties at the door. I want a place where I can walk barefoot (I despise shoes). I want a place that is comforting and inviting for people. A place to heal and a place to grow. I was inspired by the yoga studio I currently go to. It is run by a mother and daughter and has the best atmosphere you can imagine. It isn't just a place you come in and do your practice and leave. It has a warm healing feel to it and it has become a second home almost. Not just to me, but to all the people that go there for their practice. You are greeted with the warmest of smiles and within the first 5 minutes you already feel renewed. The setup of the studio is so home-like that is creates a pleasant environment and as I looked down at my feet one day, barefoot and all, I realized I wanted something like this. I want a place where people can come in, take their shoes off and let go of their bad energies. Whether it is to practice yoga, dance, talk, sip tea and green smoothies, or just read. I want to have that. So much.

Now, from experience, I know this won't be a linear path and that I will have many mishaps along the way, but I know this time. I know this won't be a perfect path and that is okay. I will take all the side roads and U-turns, but that doesn't mean I won't be moving forward also.

I want to go back to my roots, take my language back, and change the world one downward dog at a time, one pirouette at a time, one kale salad at time, one laugh and cry at a time. Fingers crossed.

Namaste.

Reflection

"As the Earth turns, light returns. The light of the sun has returned to us, bringing life and warmth with it. The shadows will vanish, and life will continue. We are blessed by the light of the sun."


This past year completely ripped my inner being raw and showed me the true meaning of vulnerability. It showed me that I really had no idea who I was. I was the mere adjectives that each of us use each day: nice, kind, smart, funny and so on. I was merely living in a body that was lost.
I broke at the seams from the start of the year and very shortly after the year had begun, I was taking a Leave of Absence from college and was packing my bags for treatment. Almost a year ago today, I was officially diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa along with Generalized Anxiety and Major Depression. It was around this time that I had deteriorated to a point of danger physically and my emotions became nonexistent-numb, in fact. My body was screaming for help and I was ignoring it.
I was consumed by my eating disorder and Teele was long gone.

I ended up being in treatment for 3 months and while it is cliché to say, I would not be alive and breathing right now if I had never went. Treatment was terrifying and an adventure all at once. I wrote in my journal almost each day for those 3 months. I read back through the very first entries when I arrived and I sound so scared and alone despite having support beyond belief from family, friends, and people I hardly knew. I cried myself to sleep the very first night, staring out the window onto a campus of foreign buildings and people. I knew home wasn't the right place for me at that time, but I wanted home more than ever.

The people I met there changed my life and helped me bring back the color in my eyes and my spirit. All the girls I met touched me in one way or another and were some of the most beautiful people I had ever met.

 I finally came home. I remember tears streaming down my eyes as soon as I walked into the door. The feeling of walking inside a place where I was really sick is overwhelming and took my breath for a few seconds. I remember sitting outside for hours because being inside was too much for me.

Fast forward to now and here I am. Since being diagnosed and where I am currently, so much has happened. While I still struggle on a daily basis with my disordered thoughts, anxieties, depression, and other things, I can definitely say I am in a much better place than I was those many months ago. During the year, I've discovered a lot of fears that I didn't know I had or was in denial about such as growing up and turning into a young woman and not being a teenage girl. Also, my fear of rejection, my tendency to compare myself to others, fear of love, and my dangerous addiction of striving for complete perfection. The list continues on and just from typing that it reminds me of how much all those things bring me down and away from accepting myself. I know that "normal" is a mere setting on a washing machine, but all these things make me feel like a defect. It sounds melodramatic, but that truly is the best way to describe it sometimes.  However, on days like today, I'm in a good place and I look at all these things as part of me. They are my personal struggles and that is okay. It gives me something to fight against each and every day, something to overcome.

Last year on New Years' Eve, I was gone. I wasn't even present the moment the ball dropped and my parents kissed at midnight. I stood there like a ghost with no sense of feeling.
This year? I had ate till my belly was happy, filled it with nutritious food and grinned from ear to ear as the clock struck midnight and 2015 was finally here. Now, that isn't to say it was easy. My anxiety is worse now that my hormones are balancing out which makes dealing with my emotions more difficult that before. I actually feel again and some days I don't know how to deal with it all.

On Christmas Eve, I had my very first panic attack. I had no idea what it was until it was over. I don't wish those on my worst enemy. I don't think there is anything more terrifying than screaming at the top of your lungs because you want to crawl out of your skin so bad. You become overwhelmed and horrified all at once and don't know what's going on. I was crawling on the bathroom floor yelling for help because I was so confused. Now, I know that my anxiety can build up pretty severely and some days  I almost consider taking medication.

While my parents and friends think it might help, I refuse to take anything. I am determined to heal my body with spirituality and wholesome foods. I know it's possible and I know it's within me somehow.

In 2014, I found meditation and yoga as a new escape for me. While I wasn't able to dance, those two became my niche. They both help me tremendously and I am beyond thankful for that. I know I try to run from myself on a daily basis and those two help bring me back. It can ease my storm of darkness and give me the light I need.

Aside from all that, I got my first job AND my second job. I have become more independent, but that is still a work in process as I continue to fall on my face like the naïve 20 year old I am.

I want 2015 to be the year I finally find who I am. In a few weeks, I will be going back full-time as a Dance Major and I am terrified and excited all at once. I really have no idea what to expect or if I'm ready, but there's only one way to find out. This year I want to deepen my yoga practice and focus more on my spirituality. I want to learn more about the human body and ways to heal with what mother nature gives us. I want to accept myself and my oddities. I want to feel beautiful and not feel like I need validation from anyone. So, as I look at my candle flicking against my eggplant purple wall, I know this year with be different. I can do this and I will try with ever ounce of my being.

As the Dalai Lama said:

 "...Never give up

No matter what is going on around you

Never give up."